It's been over 10 months of this new chapter of my life.
I wrote this almost a month ago but then never posted it. It's personal and about the breakup- so feel free to skip it, most people.
Today I was leaving work and looked at my phone to see that I had gotten a text message from Mike. It was a stern message asking me not to
Just what I needed to end my day; a sternly worded message from him and a blast from the past life that I don’t actually live anymore. It stinks being reminded about that life all the time in little ways. I took a nap tonight while reading and fell asleep with the book in my hand. When I lived with Mike, one of his qualities as a boyfriend was that he would always pick the book up and put a bookmark to save my spot and then put the book on the bedside table. Today I woke up, the book was on the floor, and my place was lost. These tiny details still bug me. They make me realize how lonely I am sometimes and how many stupid things I miss from the life that was arguably not that great.
The life I live now is okay. I spend a lot more time alone, for better or worse. My career is arguably better than it’s ever been. I’ve worked very steadily for the past 14 months, which is great for me. I have amazing friends who have always been nothing but the best to me. But I still cry a lot, especially when something catches me off guard at the wrong moment. Or I have a dream that makes me feel terrible. And I treat new guys like crap, unfortunately. Sorry, guys who want to date me, this isn’t your year. I will be mean to you, I will turn down plans with you and I will probably make you feel like crap. I may make out with you and never call you again, or I may just never call you again. I don’t want a boyfriend and I’m doing my darndest to make sure that men steer clear of me forever. In other words, I’m a treat.
I am in one of those moods where songs all seem like they were written about how I feel. Yes, I am THAT person. It’s embarrassing.
“There was a time when I thought I should try, to make myself hate you to get by. It wasn’t hard to do to think of you and all the things you put me through.”
Last week I went shopping with two friends from work and they were like “how do you break up with someone after SEVEN years? Like, explain to us how that works.” My response, “ughhhh, it stinks. It’s like getting divorced before you ever get married.” And I went through it with someone who’s totally emotionally unavailable and mean, which was admittedly a bad choice.
When we were still together I got a phone call from my dad and it was upsetting and I was crying on the phone in the kitchen. Not only did he not ask what was wrong. But when I got off the phone he purposefully ignored me, even though he was like 25 feet away, just because he didn’t want to know or have to comfort me in any way. My least favorite of his responses would be when he’d say “I’m not your therapist, if you’re upset about something don’t tell me.” This had become commonplace and I just let it slide. Now I hide anything personal or bad that happens from Johnny because I just assume that no one wants to know about that crap and that it’s better if I just deal with it myself. It was really hard to go from having someone there, a best friend, to talk to and to confide in, to having a blank space that didn’t care about me at all. I’d rather just deal with things myself and not go through that again.
I was never top priority and I stayed anyway. Why? Obviously, there is something very wrong with me, and I’m working out what. But it’s a slow process. In counseling once the counselor asked him where I was on his list of priorities and Mike said, easily "she's probably third." WOW! I clearly remember him saying that and feeling like I'd had the wind knocked out of me. He told me directly, several times that his career would always be more important than me. I am an idiot. He didn’t even have a career! How long do I need to be away from him before I stop thinking about how stupid I am all the time? I am mad at myself so much about all of that.
“I know I’m alone if I am with or without you. But just being around you offers me another form of relief.” See that? More song lyrics!
So anyway, this is a jumbled mess. A good deal of my life right now is just feeling angry with myself and feeling lonely. I had all of these goals for the coming years. And they all involved kids and moving and things that aren’t on my horizon at all now. I said something about my birthday last year and Johnny said “was that two years ago?” and I said “no, it wasn’t even a year ago.” Johnny “well, a lot has changed so it feels longer.” Yeah, tell me about it.
I’ve actually spent a lot of time in the last few months trying to figure out how to live with just myself forever (just in case so that I have a back up plan). I can still adopt kids, but it is MUCH harder and much much much harder to raise kids by myself. I’m not sure if that’s still an option for me then, and that makes me very sad. I do really want kids. But I also want to be happy living this life for a while. I may never buy a house, and that will have to be okay too.
“And if I’m crying, well what did you expect? I’ve been trying, but I still don’t know how not to be a wreck.”
And finally, another thing that makes me so angry still. He clearly wants to know if I’m doing okay now and it’s very obviously to make himself feel better. So he can be like “See, self, making her leave was the best, I was ruining her life and now she’s great!” And he can stop feeling guilty for all of the shitty things he did. When really, had he just been nice to me and loved me, that would have been the best option. But that wasn’t ever an option he’d think of. No. He could either be a total asshole or nothing. So yeah, of course, my moving out was the right choice. But those options weren’t really ideal
A guy at work was telling me about the Magic Castle right now and they’re talking about the Houdini room there. Once I told Mike that we’d get married on the Houdini ride at Six Flags (the best ride EVER) and the ghost of Houdini would officiate. That was a very fun day. Stupid heart. He continues to break it even though we don’t know each other anymore.
The only real thing that changed after I wrote this is that I realized that I liked a new guy. I could barely believe it. But I was nice to him and wanted to see him and called him back and spent tons of time laughing and watching dvds and other shows. I even watched LOST so it has to be something (because we all know that I am not a big fan). It crept up on me very slowly so I didn’t realize what was going on because I am clueless at life. It took two people to convince me that he is cute, but they won. So, I guess that’s a big deal for me. Life goes on and now I am back in NYC, dealing with my very own life that is mine all mine.