This has not been the best summer for my career. In June I had two opportunities that didn't work out for whatever reason ($$$- the projects lost theirs). Then, the last week of June, when I was out of town for three days and had friends in town all week, I got a call to just work those days.

Long story short, I had to pass on that job (which wasn't even a great job, but it was a job and I would have taken it had I been available). Since then... nada. NOTHING. No calls. Nothing. Well, one call. I went in and it was pretty much a bizarre scam type deal. I think the girl could tell I was not interested so she didn't even bother calling me back. I also got an email about writing some articles for this website. The pay? Why, a whopping 10 bucks per article. TEN DOLLARS. I was all "hells no" when they gave that rate and they told me that for my experience they'd be willing to go up to $25/article. Oh wow, that's like 500 bucks a month to write for hours every day. Somehow I told them no thanks and didn't jump at the chance to be destitute.

A lady I met last week has a book coming out this week and has been a professional writer for over 20 years... and was asked to write for free for two magazine websites right now for "the exposure." What the fuck? That is just gross and also offensive.

There was a tentative job that has been on the horizon for months now, that has been the real thread of something I was hanging onto to hold it all together. An email today told me that it most likely won't happen until next year. NEXT YEAR! Fuck. I am so out of things to hold onto to hold it together.

I spent the day in my pajamas eating ice cream and having panic attacks. I realize that times are tough, but they aren't tough for everyone. I am watching friends get hired left and right it seems like. One friend asked how work was going in NYC and I told her it was slow (she lives in LA). Like two days later she messaged me to say that she got a job in NYC and would be here the next week. WTF!?!?! Things like that are making it incredibly difficult for me to not take this personally. I try to do a good job when I'm working and keep in touch with my contacts, but I have apparently not done a very good at all and am not high on the list of people to call when a show is staffing at all.

Of course, August was all about "well, things are picking up for September" and I tried hard to believe it. But here we are, September 10th, and nothing has picked up for me at all except for the feeling of extreme panic that I have done nothing with my life and am a disappointment to myself in every possible way.

Tomorrow I have to get dressed and leave the house because I'm picking Bain and Lillie up at school. I love those kids but I really wish that I wasn't 30 and babysitting because I have nothing else to do so I'm available when Brandon asks me at 9pm the night before. Sure thing, I have nothing going on. I guess I have to set an alarm to wake up in time.

Oh! And I think I'm getting my first cold in three years. My throat is all scratchy and my head just feels...off. I've been blowing my nose all day too. Bad signs. This is just piling more shit into the shit sandwich at this point. What's the difference?

Johnny called and there was a lot of silence and him saying "I'm sorry to hear that." Yeah, I'm sorry to hear it too but it really doesn't make anything better to say it over and over. And all it did was make me feel worse until I ended the call. It really wasn't helpful in any way. I should stop answering my phone.

I have just given up on feeling good for now. It shouldn't be so much work.