No One Would Tell.

(Alternate title would be �Fred Savage and His Crazy Eyes.�)

A classic! I haven�t seen this since high school, y�all! The crazy eyes, they abound.

It opens with Fred Savage (in a lettermen�s jacket), Candace Cameron, and some other guy (who is totally Eric Balfour! Star of the OC and Six Feet Under!) sitting in a pickup truck. Fred Savage tells Candace Cameron to get out of the truck and it�s already clear that he�s scary because she doesn�t budge. He�s all �it�s our special place� with smiles until she gets out.

They go wandering in the woods while Eric Balfour sits in the truck looking bored as hell (is he supposed to just wait in the truck while they go makeout in the woods?). They get a few feet into the woods when Fred is all�

�TELL ME YOU�LL NEVER LEAVE ME!� and then totally goes crazy and seems to murder her.

He goes back to the truck and Eric Balfour is all �oh jeez, what have you done??� as we �. Go back in time to the beginning.

Candace Cameron is in the bleachers while some kind of rowdy sport goes on below. Could it basketball? NO! It�s wrestling, of course. You remember all those times your whole school came out to watch wrestling because the hunkiest, dreamiest guys were there, right? Yeah, me neither.

I thought Candace Cameron was already scared of him because this is how she looks at him all the time:

Turns out that�s her mooning and in love face. Her friends say they�d rather be home watching Ricki Lake! Hahahahahah. Then we find out that Fred had a girlfriend but she moved away (red flag!) so he�s single now. After he wins and is super-hunk for the day, he SMILES at her and she nearly dies. Why would this super popular hunk like her? She�s only a sophomore but he�s a senior!

Candace and her friend go out while she bemoans her mom staying with a shitty dude (FORESHADOWING). They see Fred Savage eating pizza with some other hunks and Candace can�t breathe because she�s so enamored. Thank goodness these girls put on their best soccer mom outfits and bangs- the guys will be putty in their hands! A little chit chat happens between the ladies and the hunks about whether they like getting flowers (remember this because it sets up every gross time he gives her flowers over the next 90 minutes)�. And then�

Fred Savage comes right over to their table to say that he saw her yesterday. She goes silent. Her friend is all �she loves wrestling� but Candace is terrible at flirting and says it wasn�t her. He invites them to �come by the gym and watch practice.� Has anything ever sounded so amazing in your life? If you agree, you are actually Candace Cameron in this movie. He gives her a bent up paper flower (see! Flowers!) and leaves and she finally breathes again.

She goes to watch a wrestling practice and then he lets her spot him while he lifts weights. If those weights fell, he�d die you guys.

She is a terrible choice for a spotter. Oh well, no one ever said he was a smart guy. (casting Fred Savage as a weight lifting jock is the worst casting since Anthony Michael Hall played that football player in some movie in the 80s, by the way)

Candace simply cannot do anything with her bangs, when her mom�s boyfriend comes in and talks to her like garbage. Fred Savage arrives for their date and the mom�s terrible boyfriend is all smiles and hugs, giving the impression to company that he�s not a douchebag.

Then they leave and his face is all �god, I am tired from smiling for 20 seconds� and just falls into a scowl again.

BEACH PARTY. Some girl talks to Candace Cameron because she�s Fred�s cousin. She is all pally and laughs that their family is soooooo screwed up. She don�t know the half of it�. They leave the main group to be alone while some girl we�ve never seen shoots daggers in their direction (She�s either a past victim of his or she�s secretly in love with him, it�s too soon to tell).

Candace Cameron immediately starts telling him about her mom�s crappy boyfriend and he�s all sympathetic and talking about what he�s looking for in a relationship (a partner who will be there with him through everything, awww) which is like catnip to her.

Oh! Montage at school. He leaves a rose in her locker. Smiles at her in the hall. They study all flirty-flirt in the library. Some guy comes in and is all �I missed you at the student council meeting� and Fred Savage is all

�WE�RE BUSY!� and the guy begs off and she thinks it�s sweet because it means that he wants her all to himself. Her friend comes up and Fred Savage just stomps off so she goes to look for him and he throws her up against a bookshelf all �I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE�D BE ALONE!� and it�s scary. But he explains it away by saying that he just wants her all to himself� awwwwwwwww, she loves feeling wanted. Commercial.

I guess she bought it because they�re having some kind of lake party. Laughs! Everyone is having so much fun! Back at school she finds a present in her locker and sees Fred Savage in the mirror behind her and playfully asks �are you spying on me??� when she should be actually accusing this creep of spying on her.

He goes over the photos in her locker and clearly hates them all because she has friends in them who are NOT HIM but pretends he�s just asking good natured questions.

They�re outside somewhere and he gets pissed off for some unknown reason and stomps off in his sport sandals. She chases him down (as is their routine) and he says she was making a fool of him! He is totally going to hit her but she falls instead so she doesn�t blame him for it.

He�s all �can you blame me for being a little jealous? I�m in love with you!� and she�s completely won over again because no one has ever said that to her. The friends watching in the distance think they �can�t keep their hands off each other.� Double meaning!

She cheers him on while he wrestles for 2 straight minutes. End scene.

They drive up to his house and he gets out to go inside, Candace Cameron would like to meet his mom but he�s all �she sleeps a lot� and goes inside. We clearly hear him be really mean to his mom and then come back out and get back in the truck. (RED FLAG) She cuts his hair at her house while he makes more excuses about why she can�t meet his family.

Then he drops this hilarious �rule� on her- �you should be at home at night when I call.� Her- �are you serious?� Turns out, he doesn�t like her having friends because someone could hit on her� he wants her ALL TO HIMSELF. Has he made that clear enough yet??

He just starts gearing up to sex while her mom is one room away. Cut to, her wearing his jacket. Whoa, it�s gotten serious.

Her friend wants her to do something but she begs off because Fred can�t come (this movie could also be called �The Heidi Montag Story�). She goes to try on a shirt and her friend notices her bruised up back� Candace explains them away as bruises from sex� I have to assume the friend has never done it before because she buys this.

She�s all �he held me for the longest time and made me promise we�d be together forever.� None of those things explain why her back is all bruised up but her friend is so psyched to get sex gossip that she doesn�t press further.

Some dudes in the locker room tell Fred Savage about how good his lady looks today and he looks like this:

(have you ever seen such brilliant eye acting?)

Cut to her having a dozen roses in her locker but he comes up and slams it shut to give her something to cover her whore ass up. She wouldn�t wear a skirt if she wasn�t coming on to the whole school! Him- �I�m the only one who cares about you, no one else wants you!!� Yes, skirt = flirting with the WHOLE SCHOOL.

She CHASES HIM DOWN where he now tells her that she�s embarrassing him with her crying. Good lord, she can�t win. He throws her into the wall and then is all �now see what you�ve made me do.� Turns out the wrestlers are practicing right past this wall so everyone runs up to see what the eff is the ruckus and they look fairly horrified when they see the scene. She�s in tears, on the ground with him looking pissed over her but says that she fell and he agrees. Why would anyone buy that? The coach is the most worried, not because this teenaged girl is clearly being abused, but because he doesn�t want to lose his best wrestler. Eye roll.

Candace Cameron�s mom is all �why do you spend hours every night talking to your boyfriend?� and she�s all �he�s my boyyyyfriend!� and gets super defensive and says that she should do that because he�s her boyfriend. Her mom is all �what about your other friends?� and she GOES OFF about how she has something real that�s special and that her mom can�t handle it. Of course, the phone rings and it�s her super creepy boyfriend so her mom leaves the room, looking more worried than ever.

Her friend is working on decorating the next dance and asking why she isn�t helping but Fred is lurking behind her while she tells her friend that he doesn�t think this is important and then leaves. Of course, all of her friends think she�s an idiot who is a terrible friend (she is being a terrible friend) and some girl (is it his cousin?) tells them about how he once ust slapped his ex in the face at a pizza place and acted like it was no big deal. The gossips quiet down and look thoughtful. Especially the friend who saw her bruises. LIGHT BULB!

Candace Cameron is on the bleachers, where Fred Savage gives her a rose and then goes to some other kind of practice? I assume there is no outdoor wrestling� who knows. So her after-school activities have become watching him do things instead of doing things herself. Awesome.

Candace Cameron shows her friend some ugly bracelet he got her (which really sets off her forearm bruises) while talking about how sweet he is and how special he makes her feel. Friend isn�t buying what she�s selling so they get into a fight. She can take care of herself (clearly not true)!!!

Candace Cameron sees Fred Savage�s truck in a parking lot and goes up to it all smiles but he�s not inside� HIS MOM IS. The mom is really psyched to meet her and is all �why don�t you ever come by the house?� and they start talking about how his dad left and how hard it�s been on him. Fred Savage walks up and, right in front of his mom mind you, drags Candace Cameron out of the truck, drags her behind a car and pushes her into a wall while telling her she�s awful.

His mom does not help her. He gets in his truck and drives off while she�s crying and yelling/asking �WHY IS EVERYTHING I DO, WRONG??� The mom is still in the truck, in case you were wondering.

At home we see her checking out the gnarly bruise on the back of her neck. She goes into the dining room and makes sure to move her hair so that her mom can see the bruise.

The mom is very worried. While her mom tries to talk to her, her own terrible boyfriend starts blowing the horn outside and she�s all �I gotta go� which is so awful. Candace Cameron is all �let�s talk about YOUR PROBLEMS!� and her mom is all �I don�t even understand you anymore� and tells her �we�ve always been friends. You�re her mom, not her friend. Get it straight. Mom leaves with her terrible boyfriend. End scene.

Candace Cameron gets out of the shower and walks into her room wearing a towel� where Fred Savage has climbed through the window and scares the shit out of her. He wants to have a heart to heart about his drunk dad and how he�d beat him and his mom.

Awwww, how sad. Oh wait, shut up you crazy asshole. Get out of her house! Call the police, Candace! Oh crap, she�s melting. She thinks this is intimacy. Sighhhhhhhhhh. They make new terrible promises to each other and kiss. Gross city. Doing it fades into a scene change.

Dance! Everything is probably better now, right? She says hi to her friends at the dance and he doesn�t punch her in the face so that seems like an improvement. She talks him into dancing and he doesn�t throw her up against a wall, he just dances. It�s almost like he�s not a horrible girlfriend beater.

Wait! I spoke too soon. He sees her talking to a male friend and his eyes narrow and it is ON. He drags her out of there to slap her around in the parking lot.

Her friend and her boyfriend follow them outside to help her but Candace Cameron is all �You don�t know what he�s been through, YOU DON�T GIVE UP ON SOMEONE YOU LOVE!� (while she stops them STOPPING HIM FROM BEATING HER) and her friend goes �you call this love? I don�t think he even likes you.� Oh snap. �You don�t know anything about love!� Sighhhhh, she is now defending his behavior and choosing it willingly.

Long scene of Candace Cameron showering and showing all of her bruises, with a very sinister outside-of-the-frosted-shower-door view that makes no sense.

I thought it was to show that someone was peeping on her but it wasn�t. The friend is telling her that they have to talk to her mom and she has to break up with him. She seems to kind of agree? Kind of not. It�s hard to tell. Phone rings! Somehow Captain Creepy knows where to find his love fool at all times.

Her mom calls her to brag about how she dumped her creepster boyfriend and how exciting it was to finally stand up for herself (I really thought her mom was calling to say she got engaged so whewwwwww, bullet dodged). This news seems to give her a boost because in the next scene she dumps Fred Savage and gives him her necklace back.

He forebodingly tells her he could never give her up and then stands creepily outside her class window after she goes in. Something tells me this isn�t all wrapped up.

She goes bowling with her friends and it�s sadly the most fun she�s had all year because none of them are throwing her into walls. She goes on and about Fred Savage, which is so annoying for so many reasons. Number one, you�re at a party. Number two, you have ditched them for like 8 months and now talk their ears off about how much you miss your abusive ex and how much you want to call him. SHUT UP.

Her friend tells her to just leave if she�s going to be like this and she�s all �why is this happening??� in her face. I admit that made me laugh.

(^^^^ she�s supposed to be a teenager. Think about that.)

That girl who shot daggers when they were on the beach is now trying to seduce Fred Savage. Ahh hah! She was just waiting for her turn to be beaten up! She calls him and is all �I could come over� but all he cares about is what Candace Cameron is up to. Because she�s awful, she tells him she might be at this party with another guy. RAGGGGGEEEE. He pretends to be nice on the phone just to get her to agree to give him a haircut. She�s so happy to hear from him, lord knows why. (Also, why can�t this dude go to a barber? Why is �getting a haircut� his code for knocking boots?)

He, Eric Balfour, this new skank and Candace Cameron go back to his house where we see Eric Balfour and Skank sitting on the couch listening to him abuse her in another room. Why wouldn�t they step in? What weird shit!! Skank is still totally into him and makes out with him after he�s done beating on Candace Cameron. NO JOKE. That is exactly what happens. Skanks leaves and Candace Cameron and Eric Balfour are outside on the swings (where he is basically telling her to stop being so upset� who are these awful people?!?!). He brings her some stupid flower he broke off of a plant and says he�ll take her home and they all three get in his truck. UHOH! This is the scene the movie opened with; this can�t be good.

Mom calls the friend and they realize that Candace Cameron is missing. Fred Savage has called the mom and told her that they had a fight and she stomped out last night. SMOOTH. Friend goes to look for her but she finds creepy Fred Savage, lurking in the woods. He�s all �I�m sorry for everything� but the friend ain�t buying. He now spins an even smoother story, telling the friend that as she stomped out she was yelling nonsense about how she wanted to just leave so she probably took off.

Next scene, he�s in the truck with her mom (WHO KNOWS HE BEATS HER) pretending to be nice while the friend looks like I look, like she wants to vomit. Why would her mom spend any time with this asshole? Not to mention believe anything he says.

Mom goes to tell the police that her daughter is missing and now tells the cops that Fred is a good dude and they had a great relationship. WHY?!!?

The rest of the wrestling team apparently is looking for her because Fred Savage asked them to. Uh huh. Where is Eric Balfour?? He knows what happened. I hope he is who puts this piece of crap in jail. Cops are now questioning people at school but Skank totally lied because she is still in love with this dreamy hunk.

Three days later there is still no information. Mom starts to wonder about Fred Savage and goes over to confront him while he�s in the middle of his 100th bench press this week. Hunks gotta stay hunky!

He�s all �I WAS OUT SEARCHING!� basically just laying out the alibi he created. Uh oh, mom finds her purse. She knows something is up and confronts him but he�s all �I love her� despite how everyone knows how he shows his love. He angrily bench presses after the mom leaves.

All of their friends sit on some bleachers and talk about how they all knew he was violent but no one ever stopped him. One of his friends mentions the crazy look he can get in his eye (which basically just calls out the way Fred Savage is playing this role, so I especially love it). A lot of crying goes on.

Skank pipes up with �Fred Savage was there for all of you when you needed him!� Um, when? He seems like a terrible friend. Now Candace Cameron�s friend is all �what happened that night?!?� and Skank tells her that it was none of her business (which is a clear implication that she knows something she�s not saying). Skank runs off to show her loyalty to an awful creep.

Wrestling match dramatics. Cut to police station where the cops are just waiting around and not doing any investigating. An anonymous call comes in telling them to go look out by the lake. The cop is all �is there a number you can be reached at?� This cop doesn�t know what anonymous call means. Eric Balfour ain�t falling for it and hangs up. The cop gets a search going out by the lake and immediately finds the ugly fake flower he gave her before he killed her.

Cut to her friend putting up missing posters and then going to see CC�s mom. It is implied that the friend is going to tell the mom about the abuse (THAT HER MOM HAS SEEN) and now the mom looks incensed. Please lady, you saw the bruises and knew about it but only now act like you know? Ugh.

Ooooh, Skank is at the police station implying that Eric Balfour murdered CC. Snap. The mom and friend look skeptical. Uh oh, Fred Savage also turned him in! Oh man, Fred Savage really is a great friend, Skank was right.

Of course, he tells the cop what really happened so now Fred Savage is under arrest (has this cop actually done any detective work on this one? So far he�s only followed an anonymous tip and arrested two people he was told did it). Fred Savage is all �I would never hurt her, I never laid a hand on her.�

That is a lie on so many levels! He says the cop is wrong about their relationship, and so is everyone else. The cop puts him in his place (someone needed to do that a long time ago) which seems to shake something loose inside him because now we see the full memory of what happened.

Hold onto your seats, because apparently he STABBED HER, then completely duct taped her body, covered it in a garbage bag and then weighed it down with CINDER BLOCKS HE BROUGHT WITH HIM and then put it out to sea. Ummmmm, he brought a lot of stuff with him for this murder.

How did Eric Balfour not notice him getting duct tape, garbage bags and cinder blocks out of the back of the truck?

The mom and the friend see the body taken out of the lake and cry.

TRIAL! Sally Jesse is the judge!

Everyone is talking about how much he loved beating Candace Cameron. Man, did he love it. Skank even talks about it but hilariously says that Candace Cameron would provoke him so that he�d hit her and then SHE�D get attention so it wasn�t Fred�s fault he was dating a drama queen. Sally Jesse looks at her like she can�t believe this shit.

Fred Savage is convicted and gets life in prison- he really gets the evil eyes when he hears that.

If Candace Cameron was here right now, he�d totally drag her out and slap her around in the parking lot. Since he killed her, there is no one to sick his evil eyes on, he looks around but has no one. Sally Jesse gives a weird speech about how beating your girlfriend is illegal and everyone looks shocked.

What the what? It�s scary because I�m sure that there are people who see this movie and are all �oh wow, that is illegal� at the end. This movie is from 1996, for christ�s sake!
The end.

(Of course, the general message of this movie is a good one. I am also against spousal abuse, for the record. It�s just cartoonish and clearly Fred Savage telling his agent �I know everyone loves Kevin Arnold, I need something different� and then this script came up and he practiced his evil stares and totally nailed the audition. Then, 20 years later, Law and Order SVU hired him to play a really horrible rapist so, obviously, this decision paid off.)