Jack The Ripper
2005-08-18/7:21 p.m.

Jack the Ripper -- most people know him
As someone who liked to cut up women.
So therefore one may naturally assume
That as a child he cut up little birds in his room

Or chopped up worms, or cut open the dog,
Pulled the wings off flies and the legs off frogs
Or went to the forest in the mood to debowel
All those dirty little prostituting owls.

So you may be interested to find out now
That that's not the way it all went about.
Little Jack was your average little joe
Who liked to run and jump and, well, sew.

It all started at his art school in China
Where he went to become a famous fashion designer.
Over there he proved to be one of the best;
All his teachers knew he'd be a big success.

Then one day he landed a huge interview
With a guy who could make him rich, he knew.
Jack showed him his designs and how he made each one
And the guy seemed happy, interested, and stunned.

Jack was so excited after the meeting
He dreamt of all the fame and riches he'd be seeing.
He went back to England as a celebration
And noticed that his dresses were in every store in the nation!

But how could this be?!
He hadn't started work yet!
He hadn't been to parties!
He hadn't seen a cent!

Oh Lord, he'd been screwed; he didn't know what to do now.
Then with a vengeful heart, to himself, he made a vow.
Every dress that'd been stolen would be shredded to goo
And every woman who wore them would be ripped up, too.

So see, Jack wasn't a born psychopath.
His hideous actions were just the aftermath
Of being cheated and fooled and screwed up the wazoo
So don't do anything wrong or your mom could get it, too.


A note I found in a drawer.
The Extra Lens and Adultery.
Books are beautiful.
Ira Glass made me feel better about things.
Something that happened yesterday.