I have lost my mind.
2005-09-28/10:37 p.m.

It's getting serious. The last full night of sleep I had was like two weeks ago. I am actually wearing a dress today. You know why? Because I am out of clean clothes. Or, out of clean cruddy clothes that I feel like wearing for 14 hour days at work and am down to just nice clothes. Tomorrow may just have to be a sweatpants day. F it. I look terrible anyway, might as well stroll in wearing sweats tomorrow.

I am tired. I wake up knowing that I am tired. I go to sleeping thinking, "I am tired." Several times throughout the day I will yawn and think to myself, "I am tired."

My idea of the perfect day right now includes me in my apartment, watching the first two eps of Top Model (which I don't have because I was so out of it in the morning that I forgot to set a vcr) while I actually eat some dinner that I cooked myself. See, I am easy to please.

And on top of this, I have two freelance jobs. I used to have one and now I have two (in addition to one more than full time job). That rules. I am awesome and I get jobs. Good ones. Jobs that I actually want and beat other people out for. WOOOOOO. If only I could celebrate now. After I get to sleep a little I am sure that I will be happy. This weekend is the light at the end of my tunnel right now, but what if things at work get pushed to Friday? Saturday? Oh, here come the tears.....I must push the thought from my mind.

Ooh, I know, time to search for Thanksgiving flights to LA. Yes, fantasizing about getting out of town sometimes does the trick. You know what isn't helping things? The awesome weather we've been having. I catch glimpses of it on the walk from the subway and sometimes from the windows of my office. I should be out there! That should be me in the jacket, strolling down Broadway! But no, it's some other girl. Damn her.

It's about the time of the night where I become delirious. I call people by names that aren't theirs and I space off, just staring at the wall. But tonight, tonight I will do those things in a dress which adds like 90% more class to them. Right? Or am I thinking about cigarettes? One of those things adds class to a lady. I can never remember which one. See? I wasn't lying about being terrible at being a girl.

If it wasn't obvious enough that I have lost my mind let me tell you what happened on Sunday- that was my last day of dog sitting and I walked them and then went to work at about noon. At about 3am I went home to my house. At 4am I woke up in a panic that I had somehow lost the dogs because I couldn't hear them. I began looking for them in the apartment before it hit me that I don't in fact own dogs.

For a while I thought I was handling this schedule but now I feel like it is beginning to get to me. Don't laugh, beginning is what I meant. Shut up!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzZZzzzzz p.s. this has been entertaining me some on these late nights. Spooky.


A note I found in a drawer.
The Extra Lens and Adultery.
Books are beautiful.
Ira Glass made me feel better about things.
Something that happened yesterday.