Waxing Poetic About High School Graduation
2005-10-25/1:00 a.m.

I watched the Laguna Beach tonight where everyone graduates from High School. (I don't know if that was the actual new one since I have generally been playing catch up this season)

It made me sad. I haven't thought about my high school graduation in a long time. I was one of those people who was ready to be done with high school in like 6th grade, so I thought graduation was just another step in the grand plan that I had already decided for myself. But for some reason I was really sad that day. I mean, it was happy and there was a lot of family around, and it was exciting, but there is something so weird about it.

It's like you know it's a big deal and you know that what's happening is important, but you don't know what to do with that information. You can't slow things down and take it in and you can't ignore it.

I vividly remember that people just randomly kept crying during the ceremony. Right before we were supposed to throw our caps, this guy Max who was sitting behind me, a popular jocky type guy, burst into loud tears. Everyone jumped up and threw their caps while he sat there bawling. No one gave him any shit for it either.

I felt a strange relief, because I knew that things were progressing and that I was doing what I wanted to do. But it is so weird to think that I just packed a few bags and moved somewhere where I didn't know anyone, far away from all of my friends and my family, and just did it because I wanted to. I can't think of a more abrupt change that has occurred in my life. One day life is this thing with friends and a bedroom and comfort, and the next day it was strange and lonely. And I was so happy.

It is just rare when you know that you are at a crossroads or a change, and you can actually feel it happening. Most of the time I feel like I notice changes only after they've taken effect.

I am afraid that I am not that brave now. I don't think that I could just give up the things that I love and know so easily. I don't know how many times you even should do that in life. I don't want to press my luck.

Sometimes I wish that I still had that sense of the future open before me. Not that I want to be 17 again or anything (no thanks!).

I think the people on the show are a little different though, because they are all freaking going to college together and already have places together for the fall. I didn't play that game. I cut the ties and moved on. I'm not as into tie cutting as I used to be. But I don't regret leaving that comfort zone for 2 seconds.

I wonder what will make me sad tomorrow- maybe the haircut I am getting, or the Gilmore Girls... only time will tell!


A note I found in a drawer.
The Extra Lens and Adultery.
Books are beautiful.
Ira Glass made me feel better about things.
Something that happened yesterday.