I'm just not that into this book.
2007-01-26/2:42 p.m.

It’s no secret that I love trashy books that I can read at the beach (or in a diner, or while on lunch break, or anywhere really that reading could be done). When “He’s Just Not that Into You” came out I knew I’d one day read it, even if only to make myself angry (much like I’ve done with Sex and the City which is written by some of the same people). I actually had Mike put a hold on it at the library last month so that I could get in on this phenomenon 2 years late. I’m sure he was thrilled when he went in to pick it up!

First of all, Greg Behrendt looks like an asshole:

But he also writes like an asshole. He writes like someone who is desperately trying to sound “hip” and “with it” while also being (unintentionally?) incredibly smug and unfunny. This could be attributed to the fact that he’s clearly trying very, very hard to be hilarious. Nothing is less funny than that. The book also suffers from telling you everything you need to know in the title. Every page has “He’s just not that into you” written out about 100 times, and every piece of advice is something along the lines of “Guess what? He’s just not that into you!” like it’s a revelation that wasn’t written on every single page before this one.

To be fair, I actually agree with the main point. If you meet a guy and he never calls you again, or you have sex with him and he never calls you again- he probably doesn’t like you. Yeah, pretty obvious. But then a lo of it seemed to just be dragging out the premise so that they could reach their page numbers and have enough to package as a book. I guess printing it in a 14 pt font with huge margins wasn’t enough. Some of the chapters talk about how if you’ve been dating a guy for a year or more and he’s “not ready” to get married that he must not be into you. They don’t address the fact that many people aren’t financially ready or career ready, including women, and that that is a valid reason. I was not even emotionally ready for something like marriage until the last few years. Does that mean I never liked Mike? No way. This is ridiculous. At some it got tedious to the point where it seemed to be assuming that if a relationship isn’t immediately on a marriage track, then it’s doomed and pointless. Ugh. Have we gone back in time??

Greg also looooooves to talk about his own experience since he was once a horrible man-whore who treated women like crap (it’s okay if you’re not that into them!) and is now happily married. See! He knows! He lived it! Take it from him. But! He says things like “if he doesn’t call you enough, he’s not that into you” then goes on to say that he calls his wife upwards of 5 times a day when he’s on trips. Okay, I can see 5 times if something crazy came up etc… but if I was called 5 times a day (especially by loathsome Greg Behrendt) I’d throw my phone in the ocean. 5 times a day is a lot! I mean, it’s nice to get little calls here and there or be told when you’re going to be late etc… but this seems insane. Basically, if a guy isn’t calling you all the time, emailing you constantly and always wanting to see you, have sex with you and marry you, he is just plain not that into you. But that’s fine with me because I’d rather die than marry a douchebag like that. It all works out in the end!

The last good crap book I read was “The Rules” back in 98 when Morwenna got it as a gag gift for her birthday. It was AMAZING. We couldn’t put it down. I was trying to explain this to my friend Kelly recently because she was only like 14 when it came out so she doesn’t remember it really. This book actually told you to hide everything about yourself, including putting any “personal” items you might have away in drawers when your date comes over, so that he will know nothing about you. Then make him jump through hoops to even talk to you or see you. They say over and over that he’ll love “the chase” but never once even imply that he’ll, you know, love you. Then you trick him into marrying you! If you have to fake a pregnancy, do it! And then, once he is ensnared in your lady trap, you can start telling him things about you and showing your actual personality, because then it’s too late for him to get out, for in a Rules world, divorce and annulment do not exist. Also, love does not appear to exist either. Or even like. They never once say you have to like the person, and even talk about not getting attached to or caring about the person ………. that you’re about to marry.

Of course, teenage Mary and Lucy on 7th Heaven were hooked and tried to be Rules girls. I assume the show loved it because it poo-pooed premarital sex, but I can’t imagine why that show did (and still does) promote 16 year olds looking for husbands. It’s terrifying. I do highly recommend picking up this book though because it’s like a peek into the mind of a crazy person. Totally fascinating and hard to put down.

Better yet is the website I found when looking for quotes to show Kelly. http://www.therulesbook.com/ There is a “Just Do the Rules!” rap that the ladies have recorded. And, for the very low price of $250/hr, you can call and talk to one of them on the phone. Seriously check out that site and keep in mind the entire time that at least one of them is divorced and neither of them has a degree. They also offer to improve your beauty and style to no doubt, look like leather faced botoxed ladies, just like them. They also have seminars and courses in case you’re looking!

To sum up- the Rules is an awesome read (for all the wrong reasons) and He's Just Not That Into You stinks and isn't even fit to be taken to the beach.


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