This year- Day one hundred and sixteen. (list)
2009-10-23/2:14 a.m.

-Just when I think more can't go wrong... more goes wrong.

-I think that I may have gotten my hopes up about something that is hopeless.

-I am tired of feeling bad but I keep feeling bad and then getting tired.

-I think that I got my hopes up about something hopeless just so I'd trick myself into thinking something better might be on the horizon.

-Most likely, there is nothing better on the horizon.

-I do not know what to do. I usually have some kind of plan or back up but this time I do not. I am at a loss.

-I don't take failure well. I have only failed at a few things in my life and they will haunt me forever.

-I consider the relationship ending to be a failure in some ways. I also look at divorces that way. That may not be the healthiest way to look at things.

-I don't even really want to talk to anyone about how shitty everything is because 1- it's pointless and 2- it's stupid and 3- I'd rather not cry in the middle of talking to someone.

-and 4- I realize that many people in the world are going through worse things than me and that my problems are small in the grand scheme of things. No one will die. The world isn't going to end. Just my world, and I am just one person.

-I am tired of Johnny telling me "well, I'm sorry to hear that" and then saying bye. It's not helpful. Just leave me alone if you're just going to call, have me tell you what's going on and then tell me that it's shitty but there's nothing to be done about it. I know that. I don't need to rehash it over and over again.

-It is a chore to even leave the house by 230 pm everyday.

-This may not have been a great year to keep track of things during. I will have a great record of one of the worst times in my life. Whoops.

-If I died in my apartment it would take at least a day before anyone noticed. If I stopped watching the kids everyday, it would probably take a week or two minimum.

-I don't know what I am doing wrong but whatever it is, I am doing it in every facet of my life. Someone tell me and I will try to fix it.

This was me venting after a long week of bullshit. A long week of bullshit following five long months of bullshit. The panic attacks will probably be next on the agenda. I hope I have some old medicine around.

Larry thinks this is an exciting time in my life. When he says that I feel like punching him in the face.


A note I found in a drawer.
The Extra Lens and Adultery.
Books are beautiful.
Ira Glass made me feel better about things.
Something that happened yesterday.