This year- Day one hundred and thirty two. (Let's pretend I didn't tear your world apart)
2009-11-07/11:21 p.m.

Lisa has this book "Other People's Love Letters" that I've been reading this weekend. I LOVE IT! Mainly because I have a sick pleasure in reading things that were meant to be private. I have always loved that and I also have really voyeuristic tendencies sometimes and this book blends both weird parts of my psyche in the best way.

At the same time, I hate it when I write something that was intended to be private and someone else reads it. It's a weird divide in my mind I guess. I just get embarrassed when I realize how honest or open I might have been. I have a hard time with that kind of stuff. Painful sincerity is private for me I guess. And yet, I want to see everyone else's pink underbelly when they're at their most vulnerable. It's sick, I know.

One of the letters had a theme that I really liked and thought it would make a good song structure so I wrote it down. I am working on a sad song and then also a hopeful song but they are separate entities, neither with many parts done.

The hopeful song is probably also fruitless since it's about something that there is little to actually hope for but something I did have hope for last week. I think I am getting the brush off now, unfortunately, but who knows. I'm not sure if I did something or what. I wish that I knew.

You're so nice and you're so smart. You're such a good friend, I have to break your heart. I'll tell you that I love you, then I'll tear your world apart.

Let's pretend I didn't tear your world apart.

I've been listening to Kimya Dawson today and reflecting on where things have gone wrong with me and my relationships throughout life. It's hard to tell. I ended up drinking on an empty stomach instead of making much headway. Now I just want to eat ice cream.


A note I found in a drawer.
The Extra Lens and Adultery.
Books are beautiful.
Ira Glass made me feel better about things.
Something that happened yesterday.