This year- Days one hundred thirty eight and thirty nine. (Zoom, zooooom)
2009-11-15/3:16 a.m.

I feel like I'm being left behind. This feeling might be somewhat stupid but it's certainly justified. I am watching people that I know move past me in career and in their personal life while I do almost nothing with my time. It's odd. Like I'm moving in slow motion while everyone else is moving at regular speed and I fucking hate it.

Most of my life I was moving at ultra fast speed. In high school I lettered 17 times. I have a varsity letter somewhere with like 16 pins stuck in it in a box in a basement or in a landfill because my dad ruined it in a flood or something. Who knows. But I did that, worked 25 hours a week and did well in school for about 4 years. That was school from 7:40am to 2:40 then a sport, debate, honor's society, literary magazine, forensic speaking, art honor's society, tutoring (I was a math tutor) or work, 7 days a week for multiple hours. Sometimes I would have soccer until 7pm, then homework until 11pm or so and then sleep and then I'd do it all over again. How did I ever have a life??!?! It's mind boggling. How did I work so much?? I have no idea.

College was more of the same but trade in an internship for all those sports etc... (I was already in college, no need to fluff the school resume more at that point and I went to a college with no athletics program). I started with the college courses in high school and then finished college in 3 years with a 4.0 GPA my final semester. Oh, and I started a master's program my last year of college so I technically was halfway done with a master's when I was 20. What the fuck?!?!

Am I moving in slow motion now because I was insane then? On my birthday Johnny told me that I was not one of those people who peaked early but I don't think that he knows the full story. I totally did. I barely remember that person who was so ambitious and such a hard worker. Who the heck was that? She sounds annoying. I'll ruminate on that while I take a nap... maybe... if I get time.

I don't have much going on now. I do work hard and a lot when I am working but that's enough to wipe me out for days and then I get a month off (at least) anyway. My private life is moving in reverse at this point. I am at a similar point that most people are at when they're like 22 aside from my awesome apartment which I could not have had by myself back then. I am further away from having a family now than I could possibly me. I am further away from being stable than probably anyone I know. I am watching my friends get married and tell me about house buying and talk about their awesome trips and job offers while I wonder where I went so wrong. I really did have a lot ahead of me at once. Where did it all go?

If I could go back in time and tell my 16 year old self something I'd tell her to slow down because none of it really matters. It wouldn't work because there's no way 16 year old me would have believed that. 16 year old me was wrong about a lot of things, though.

I'll just wave at my friends as they whizz by me on the way.


A note I found in a drawer.
The Extra Lens and Adultery.
Books are beautiful.
Ira Glass made me feel better about things.
Something that happened yesterday.