In the last 48 hours I've slept for about 3. I am not even tired and it's 4am... I no longer need to sleep to function! I am superhuman!

At 5am I unearthed a rare gem on the dvr- an old movie of the week called "An Unfinished Affair" starring Jennie Garth. Firstly, check out her hair on the cover up there- it's sooooooo bad. It's so many Joan Jett-like layers on this blonde "sex vixen." It makes no sense. Like a complicated, poofy mullet. Secondly, they put right there on the cover that this is a crappy version of "Fatal Attraction." May as well flaunt whatever it is you're ripping off, I guess.

The movie opens with JERK talking to his WIFE. She is apologizing (APOLOGIZING) for having gained weight but says that she didn't lose her hair so she hopes he's not upset. She's tall and thin and also just beat CANCER but she is apologizing to her gross husband for gaining some weight. He's all "don't worry about it." What a guy! Also, what kind of magical chemo makes you gain weight and not lose your hair? In the event that I get cancer I'd like that treatment please.

In the next scene the JERK is in some empty classroom standing at a podium when Jennie Garth comes in in stockings and a tight skirt all sex eyes on him. (I give her credit on this front because for like 400 years she played Kelly Taylor on 90210 who offered up zero sex appeal but pouted and baby talked until every guy on the show loved her. It was nice to see her displaying some "range.") He tells her that he's grading papers (for an art class) and that she got an A of course. Also, he's told the school (I think it's a school, it's never talked about again) that she should teach the class next semester. Students can just teach classes there? Okay, whatever.

We are then in her very artsy, bohemian loft of sorts where he is telling her how great she is and she is telling him that she's in love him and he's in love with her. He's all "what?" He says his wife recovering was a miracle and that his family means everything to him so it's clear he boned Jennie Garth while his wife was dying of cancer. Hearing this, Jennie Garth is PISSED. She had totally bet on the wife dying. Can she just not catch a break?!? She also says he told her he loved her and wanted to spend his life with her even though it's clear that he did not. He says it was a month long affair they shouldn't have had. She says later in the movie that she wasted a year on him. Have I made it clear that she's cuckoo?

The crux of the drama (aside from the affair) is that his boss is his FATHER-IN-LAW and FIL got some screenprint when he was in Japan that turns out to be worth a lot of money and part of a 6 piece collection so a museum wants it. Uh oh! JERK has loaned in to JENNIE GARTH because she is an artist and loves things like that. I don't think she knows what "loaned" means because she has it fancily framed and displayed in her artsy loft. Ruh Roh, this jerk is doomed. He goes over there to pick up the screenprint but she thinks he's coming over to tell her that he can't live without her and that his wife has finally done the noble thing and died. Tough titties, Jennie Garth! He just wants his art back. She's pissed again! She says that she cooked all day but then she literally takes two plates of food (like, a piece of chicken and something else on each plate) out of the oven and throws them in the garbage because she's so pissed. I guess she cooks single serving meals on individual plates?

She's all "nope, get out." And he LEAVES instead of grabbing his priceless art. What a dummy. The rest is a mish mash of her cutting her phone off and moving without telling him while he frantically looks for this print and her seducing his son with anger issues who is like 21. He's so dumb and lets this go on and on because he's just a stupid jerk.

Oh! There was a guy who worked for the JERK and the FIL's art company who turned out to have some criminal record so they had to fire him at the beginning. Turns out, if you have a criminal record you are not above holding people at knife-point, blackmailing, stealing and possibly murdering. Once a criminal, always a criminal! When the art police (yup, art police) are called in to find this priceless art the criminal is the first person they suspect (of course, he's a CRIMINAL for god's sake). He's displeased so he breaks into the JERK's house and holds him at knife point while he tells him that he knows about his chippy and how he loaned her the painting. The JERK offers him 15k to recover the painting from JENNIE GARTH.

Crap! At that exact same time she's putting the print behind some horrible horrible neon colored pencil drawing in a frame so that no one can find it. This CRIMINAL is no match for her wits! When he breaks in to get the print she is there and offers him 25k to do.... something? Who knows. I know this though, she does not have that kind of money. Dumb CRIMINAL falls for it though because he's just some dumb criminal and she's pretty. He's doomed.

She does more and more crazy stuff like getting the son to propose to her and making up some story about her "ex-lover" being really upset when she dumped him and not getting out of her life so that the son gets protective and worried. She spends tons of time with the family and the wife who is no longer dying (the nerve!) which does not sit well with the JERK. There is proof that the CRIMINAL took the art to JENNIE GARTH so it's unclear why the art police aren't pointed in her direction- sick 'em on her! No one does though.

JENNIE GARTH makes a hilarious attempt to kill that poor wife who is having arguably a terrible year (far more terrible than a girl who got dumped by her teacher who boned her a few times) by letting her go off a hill on a dirt bike and then not helping her up. She also spies on the JERK and WIFE while they sleep while she holds a gun menacingly. She keeps saying that she just wants to hurt him as much as he hurt her. After one month of boning, she was as hurt as he'd be if his wife of 25 years died and his son died. That's perfectly normal, right?

In the end, her big plan is that she will make it look like the CRIMINAL is her ex, and that he is stalking her (he has no idea what she's planning) and she stabs him with a knife that the SON's prints are all over. She then calls the cops and says "He's got a knife!" and stuff to further implicate the son. For some artsy girl who does graphic design and yoga in New Mexico she really has no problem stabbing someone at close range. Then she is going to grab the art and skip town and sell it herself and be rich.

Ummmmm, how would that ever work?!?! It's a one of a kind piece from the 1500s or something that the art police are looking for. HOW WOULD THAT WORK? No one ever points out that she is straight up dumber than a bag of rocks. After all of that planning and maneuvering her plan boils down to something that she would be caught for in 2 seconds and then jailed for. Sigh. The end.

Why don't movies of the week still exist?? They were so great. I have two more on the DVR that Sarah and KL and I are going to watch tomorrow night. One with Tracy Gold (where she wants to take over the life of one of her friends- a classic movie of the week plot) and one with Nancy McKeon but not the terrifying one where she has an abusive husband. That movie is so scary that it's not even fun to make fun of.

I should be the person to bring these back. Mother May I Sleep with Danger II coming to ABC this fall. God, I wish.