The reason the counting of days is one off is because I messed up in like the first two weeks and then didn't realize it until nine months later when it was way too late to fix anything. The anal person inside me is furious about this.

This year has been largely crap. It's like slowly falling off a bridge. So slowly that you can see everything perfectly while having no control over what's happening. Except that instead of falling I am just failing.

Today I got the unexpected news that though I had nearly $5000 left in my UE account in California, they claim that my account has been closed and that I owe them $3k. This is because I earned some money last year in NYC (which no one told me mattered and in fact said that it did not matter when I talked to them in April). Not enough to live off of, but apparently it's totally fucking me over. Not only do I owe money that I do not have, but I also am not getting any checks now. I spent a good part of today crying and trying to create a plan. When I started to cry on the phone with the UE lady she told me to "get over it" and then said that "it's no big deal." I guess it's better that she has that opinion since she probably talks to sad and upset people everyday. No time for empathy!

It's not like I've been not working because I am so lazy and hate working. I have been busting my ass trying to work for the last year. I have taken things I would not have taken two years ago and I have even done things like babysitting and dogsitting. I am so tired of nothing working out that I have felt lazy lately but I am still trying. As useless as it seems, I am.

Now I feel like I am hitting bottom. It's so freaking awful but at the same time it's nice to not feel like I'm falling anymore. The bottom is here. I have reached it.

When I started this year in writing project I had no idea what an absolutely worthless and awful year I was choosing or maybe I would have chosen differently. Now I have a record of a lot of things that I'd rather forget.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Happy birthday to me.