This year- Day one hundred and thirteen. (impossible)
2009-10-20/3:12 a.m.

Sometimes I'm jealous of Mike and people like Mike (the ex boyfriend) who are incapable of feeling actual emotions and can turn them off at will.

I am re-organizing my office space and found several nice letters and cards from when he was in LA and I was here and it made me cry. If that had happened to him he'd just throw them in the garbage without giving them a second thought. Too bad I have feelings sometimes and am stupidly sentimental.

The best was a card with a bird on the front in a birdcage that said "Hector says "hello"" and on the inside and wrote "and Mike says "I love you."" Simple. Back when he was nice to me and a capable human being.

It was weird reading the letters because during his second year of grad school, if you did not know him and were just reading the letters, you'd know he was falling apart. That was 05-06 and he's still circling the ol' drain. Why? I don't even recognize anything I ever loved in that guy. It's so odd. Where did that guy go?

It's also weird remembering what it was like when someone loved me. It seems impossible that that ever happened. And not in a "woe is me, I'm so dramatic" kind of way but in a "it seems impossible that it ever happens to anyone" kind of way. How does it ever happen? I saw a girl in a cute houndstooth wool coat on the subway platform with an amish guy and they were a couple but she had decided to leave the life (they were teenagers) and he was doing that thing where you decide at 18 what you want. They were sitting side by side and looked like strangers who had nothing in common but they were in love. Like I said, it seems impossible.

Anytime I think about most things in life I think they sound fantastic and impossible. Like, if I think about sex down to the details it seems to weird and medicinal and creepy but yet it just makes sense and almost every human just "gets" it. The fact that the human brain exists seems totally impossible but I totally have one inside my skull. The fact that human beings weird jeans. Don't ask, it's hard to explain, but it weirds me out on a very basic level that human beings wear jeans.

When you think of all those things, the impossible fact that I ever loved Mike and that he somehow loved me seems like a drop in the bucket.


A note I found in a drawer.
The Extra Lens and Adultery.
Books are beautiful.
Ira Glass made me feel better about things.
Something that happened yesterday.