Something that happened yesterday.
2011-05-28/1:01 a.m.

A big part of my job these days is to interview people on set as they compete on a cooking competition show. As luck would have it (or not have it) I interview the losers everyday. I interview the first loser, which can be kind of heartbreaking, and I interview the 2nd place person, which can be even more heartbreaking.

Some days are great and I feel very good about things and some days are not.

Yesterday I had a really angry person for the first one. Just incredibly angry. I felt so badly for him because I am the kind of person who may feel emotions too much sometimes. I know that about myself. The 45 minute interview was rough.

At the end of the day though, things got rougher. The 2nd place guy claimed to be easy going and just there for fun all day... until he lost. Then he was incredibly upset. Not angry. Just upset and pacing and thinking a lot and not talking. Clearly he had wanted to win more than he had admitted to himself throughout the day. It was so hard to watch.

As a person, I am someone who thinks wayyyy too much and has gone through a year of re-thinking what I do with my life (just last year!) and still doesn't really know anything about anything.

As soon as we start the interview he is telling me that he has so many doubts about what he's chosen to devote his life to and this has made him wonder if he made the wrong decision those 10+ years ago. Then he started asking me why I do it, I work long hours and devote a lot of emotional space to my career too. I had no answer for him. He said that he has so many doubts about things all the time... so do I.

He was being so painfully honest, with a stranger, and it was kind of heartbreaking. Also, he was bringing up things for me that bother me nearly every day. Honestly, a nice thing about working so much is that I don't have as much time to think about all the things I do wrong or regret all the fucking time.

Throughout the day he threw out some bullshit but then at the end of the day he was just brutally honest and raw.

Then he shared the crushing blow- if he was a judge, he would also have voted for himself to lose. That is when he sat there staring at me while I started crying. Then the interview was over.

24 hours later it's still bothering me. I really wish that I knew what to do with my life. I really wish that I could control things that are beyond my control. I wish that I had someone to come home to on days like yesterday, when I was so upset and so lost and just wanted to vent to someone but there is no one. I wish that I didn't over think things so much. I wish that tonight when Joe asked me "What's missing in your life?" that I had a simple answer. I don't even know really.


A note I found in a drawer.
The Extra Lens and Adultery.
Books are beautiful.
Ira Glass made me feel better about things.
Something that happened yesterday.