This year- Day one hundred and seventy five. (anger)
2009-12-21/2:51 a.m.

I missed five days. Holy lord. This week was a mess with work and a mess in general. Messy mess. I am so tired but my apartment is a mess and I need to pack and leave tomorrow and do all that boring stuff like cleaning out the fridge and doing the dishes and stuff so that I don't come back to a sess pool. I have such high standards on everything I do in life.

My aunt is making my life hell right now because apparently asking her a simple favor is the most difficult thing in the world and it's 2:58am and I am trying to get my shit together and she's all "this is really a lot to ask." I am asking her to burn me a single cd of a single folder in her photos. What a BURDEN.

I am so tired of everything right now. This year is total bullshit as far as I'm concerned. I hate everything about it. Even the way it started off great makes me so mad now. What a lie that was! Tonight I did christmas with Bain and Lillie and Brandon and Brandon hilariously said, after the kids had gone to bed, that he hopes when he looks back on his life down the road that he doesn't have another year worse than 2009. It was a great year for a few people I know but the rest of us just muddled through the absolute shit as best we could while trying not to drown in it.

I just looked in my email to find my flight confirmation so that I could check in to my flight and found this charming blast from the past:

"I'm going to be in NYC over the weekend of 8/18 for my Grandmother's 90th birthday, and would like to get some of my things from the Devoe apartment. Can you let Larry know?

Also, when are you planning on stopping by the Edgemont apartment?


That was from three weeks after we broke up after being together for seven years. Can't you just feel the warmth in there? Shockingly, he has only gotten MORE distant and cold in the interim. I certainly miss that love.

plaza lights

Blast from the past memory! Our last Christmas together, Christmas 2006, was a horrible time. Julie probably remembers this as the year when she offered to take us to the airport and when I had to email her and warn her that Mike was maybe not going to the airport anymore. Why? Well, the day before we left to visit my family he decided that he didn't want to anymore and that I should just go home and explain that instead of using the plane ticket my dad had gotten him for Christmas, he had decided to flip us all the bird instead and stay at home. I told him that was rude and that we had been planning the trip for like a month and that my family would be disappointed and that he was putting me in a shitty position. Just as Julie was arriving to pick us up for the airport and I had decided to just get my things together and deal with his shit and call my dad from the airport to tell him what was going on. At that point my dad hated Mike because of other things that happened that year and was just being polite for me... god, I wish I had told him to just treat him like shit that entire trip.

Julie showed up and Mike threw some clothes and pajamas into my suitcase and came to the airport and flew out with me. How fun! Going on a trip with your boyfriend who is throwing a tantrum, being a dick, and telling you that he's never liked your family. Merry Christmas!

Oh, but that's not all. I was very broke this particular Christmas, hence my dad giving us plane tickets as a gift. And yet, I spent some money buying Mike a few little presents and I made him some things because it was the holidays. He sweetly dropped some hints the week before Christmas about stuff he was going to get me and we lit the menorah and decorated a tiny tree. Then, when he had his diva fit, I also learned that he got me nothing. He made me nothing. He said "eh, I didn't feel like it" as he opened his presents that I had wrapped for him.

That actually happened. What the fuck?!?! Was I some kind of child murderer in a past life in order to be treated like this in my current one?

During that visit home he was distant, barely talked to my family, and kept me in a mild state of panic the whole time, waiting for him to have a very public meltdown. Meanwhile, we got back to LA, had a great New Year and then he told me how happy he was with me and how he couldn't imagine his life without me. Around then I was mentally preparing when I would be moving out but hadn't said anything to him about it yet.

Something I will never forget about that Christmas. One night I woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn't in bed. Earlier this same day he had casually mentioned killing himself so you can imagine my mild panic I had at waking up in a silent room with no him in it. To be honest though I have that mild panic every time I wake up alone when someone was there before. Even if they've just gone to the bathroom or have gotten up before me, my first feeling is of mild panic. I don't know why. Sometimes it even infuriates me. I am a delight!

Anyway, I woke up and he wasn't there. I was awake for a while and he didn't come back and I heard nothing moving on the floor above me. I went up to see if I could find him. I found him sitting in a chair in the living room in the dark staring at the wall. I was a bit jarred by how insane he was getting everyday but I was also confused and sleepy. I asked him if he was okay and he said he was without really looking at me. I asked if he was coming back to bed and he gave a vague answer. Then he said something about how when he finished graduate school the previous May that I didn't let him be celebrated adequately. First of all, WHAT THE FUCK? Secondly, I flew in for the graduation, his mom, dad and brother flew in and my dad flew in and we spent the dang weekend celebrating him and he was a 36 year old adult. If anything it was excessive for anyone over 22 who has ever lived on their own. His parents gave him five grand as a present! He was A GROWN MAN. We went out every night to big dinners and everyone was sincerely proud of him. 6 months later he's bitching that he was not adequately celebrated and that this is somehow my fault.

This is when I hit the limit of what I can take even though we were in a hushed whisper in my dad's living room with only the glow of the lit up christmas tree keeping us company. Even the dog was snoring. I told him that he was a selfish asshole and that he was ruining my christmas and knew that was what he was doing when he spent no time thinking about me or getting me anything, when he ruined the trip just before we left and when he acted like a jerk the whole time we were there. I told him that he's an adult with people who flew in for his graduation while many grad students don't do much outside of their immediate family if anything as this is not a high school graduation. Then, when we were in NYC, his extended family all had a get together for him too where they could not have been happier or more supportive. I got him a great present and even my freaking dad flew in. Seriously, he was going to bitch about the lack of support and love in his life? Not on my watch. I told him that I was sorry that he feels that his somewhat average accomplishment (he did not cure cancer, he did not broker peace, he did not save a life) was not celebrated for the appropriate number of weeks by the appropriate number of people. He was whining and I was done with it. No amount of goodness was good enough for him. He just pouted while I went back to bed full of rage realizing that nothing would ever be good enough for him.

A few minutes later he came back to bed and went to sleep in silence.

I wonder how long I will hate myself for putting up with crap like that. I know this, three years isn't the answer.

Hopefully this incredibly long and personal piece of writing makes up for my absence.


A note I found in a drawer.
The Extra Lens and Adultery.
Books are beautiful.
Ira Glass made me feel better about things.
Something that happened yesterday.